Fashionable Jesus

I
Saw Jesus
driving a Mercedes SL63 AMG convertible
License plate read:
MOVONUP
Bumper sticker said:
Progressives for Palin

Saw Jesus
on “Dancing with the Stars”
After his gig he pointed two fingers skyward and said
“This is for Haiti”

Saw Jesus
walking down the beach
drinking a Perrier
He was wearing Gucci loafers
with a Tommy Hilfiger sweater
tied around his shoulders

Saw Jesus
buying a big screen TV at Best Buy
He told the salesman that his favorite shows were
The Apprentice
The O’Reilly Factor, and
Millionaire Matchmaker

Saw Jesus
sitting behind home plate at Yankee Stadium before a game
He was signing autographs
sipping a glass of Dom Perignon
and sporting an A-Rod jersey

Saw Jesus
Wall Street Journal in hand
cutting an impressive path through the traders
at the N.Y. Stock exchange
Laughing
he said he hadn’t seen this much
reverence to a stone tablet
since Abraham came out from the burning bush

Saw Jesus
marshalling the faithful at a NRA rally in Nashville
He was outfitted in jeans
and a Charlton Heston T-shirt
and told a jubilant crowd whilst holding an AK-47
“Cold dead hands ain’t nothing new to me!”

Saw Jesus
giving a lecture at Bob Jones University
He was telling the students
that insider trading
wasn’t the evil it was cracked up to be
and that derivatives were a sure bet
Trust him, he said

Saw Jesus
being asked by a reporter
if the crisis in Darfur had been weighing heavily on him
The son of God
answered that he’d been busy of late
then asked the reporter where she’d bought her I-phone

Saw Jesus
being questioned on Fox News Sunday
about his opinions concerning climate change
The former resident of Nazareth
brushed off the inquiry
saying such matters were “out of his jurisdiction”

Saw Jesus
talking to a bell ringing Salvation Army worker
in front of Saks Fifth Avenue department store
He was explaining the evils of socialism
and bemoaning the fact that
he didn’t have any spare change at the moment

Saw Jesus
mingling with the members of a KKK chapter
in Biloxi, Mississippi
He then grabbed a microphone
and led a rousing rendition of
“die Fahne Hoch”

Saw Jesus
speaking to a group of soldiers
at an Army base in Afghanistan
He assured them of the moral imperative of their mission
and related how Mohammed
whom he’d known for years
really wasn’t a bad sort of guy

Saw Jesus
drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic’s
he was standing next to John Edwards
their hair was……. perfect

Saw Jesus
walking on … oil
in the Gulf of Mexico
With a briefcase in his hand
he was waving …
Good-bye